Top Ten New Additions to the Rules of Golf

  • It’s OK to test the green’s surface before putting. Fondle it, nuzzle it, have a relationship with it...we don’t care.
  • If Tiger Woods is leading the tournament after 3 days, you must put down your clubs and leave quietly.
  • If you accidentally nudge your ball off the tee, Trembling Tommy, it counts. Better snort some Valium
  • The yuppie in the designer togs and expensive graphite clubs shall incur no penalty, but shall spend the after life in polyester from Target and drive a used Pinto.
  • If you bore everyone with a shot-by-shot account of your round, you will be hanged at the 19th hole with a sock in your mouth.
  • Stadler-Lewinsky Rule: wearing kneepads shall not be considered building a stance.
  • Alzheimer’s Rule: if you cannot find your ball within 5 minutes, check the ballwasher.
  • You may not make any stroke with the aid of artificial devices, except for voluptuous implants.
  • A ball that breaks into pieces counts as one stroke. Next time, play a ball that isn’t so cheap, Mr. K-Mart close-out special.
  • Dung in a bunker is a natural object and may not be moved, unless it’s your own